I feel good. Really good. Lighter and stronger all at the same time. Day one of telling myself I don’t have to be better, or accomplish more, or impress anyone actually went pretty okay. Ever since I made up my mind last night to suck it up and deal with my life as it is, instead of simply fantasizing that somehow all my dreams will come true if I just want it bad enough, I have been feeling better and better. At first I didn’t even like my post. I saw it as me giving up, but tonight I was talking about it with my wise old Dad and he said, “You’re not giving up, you’re changing your approach. Instead of chasing all your dreams you are letting them come to you.”
I would have never been ready to let that happen before, I’m big on control and making your own destiny, and to be honest, that is just how I am wired and I’ll always be that way, but another wise man once said, “Life is what happens when you are busy making other plans.” and if you think about it, basically what Johnny (my pops) and John Lennon (maybe you know his work?) are the same thing.
You don’t get to pick your dreams (literal here) or when they happen or what they are about, they come to you, when your asleep. When your defenses are totally down, when you stop trying to control everything is when the best dreams happen.
Maybe that is true of the other kind of dream too. Maybe when dreams (figurative here) are meant to happen they can’t get to you if you are in the way, always dictating the time and place and circumstances.
I’m not giving up. I’m opening up.
I’m opening up to the possibility that maybe, just maybe, there is more to my life as it is now, RIGHT NOW, then what I have been seeing. I am letting the reality of the decisions I’ve made flood in, so I can deal with the consequences both bad and good – in a healthy, honest way.
I think that maybe growing up is the scariest/bravest thing I’ve ever done, which smacks surprisingly of adventure.
I’ll keep you posted dear internet, I’m sure I’ll have lots to share.
Until then, if you are still reading that is, some advice
When lonely and feeling vulnerable and unloved take the following steps…
1) curl your hair or dress up or do whatever it is that makes you feel outwardly extra confident.
2) take a drive to visit a place full of variables, like a bar or a coffee house.
3) Be friendly, and say hello to one person you do not know. Fear not, people are just people, they shouldn’t make you nervous.
4) wrap yourself, like with a borrowed blanked, in the undemanding attention of strangers.
5) Give compliments.
6) Drive home and listen car-dance & sing to the following songs on your starry drive through the wood:
Boy with a Coin
Someone to Love
Peter & Zoes Theme
Ob La Di Ob La Da