I am not much of a floater. I don’t mean physically, I mean figuratively.
I like to have a plan. A boat, a paddle, a compass and a heading. I like to know the odds, I like to see the distant shore ahead. I like to feel in control.
Because, you see, I do not trust easily. I do not trust people easily, I do not trust circumstances easily, and I especially do not trust God easily. I don’t think ill of him, but to me God is a casual acquaintance who only stops to say hello if I am doing something he finds remarkably interesting or epic (apparently this idea of God is how I view my father and therefore all men which explains so very much). So I am always trying to prepare for the pain and disappointment that life inevitably brings. But what I have learned in the past 6 months is that it doesn’t matter how much you mentally steady yourself, when it comes, (and it will) it still sucks. Being prepared for pain does not lessen the pain. It really, really doesn’t.
So back to floating.
I am in a season of floating. I hate it. Every second of it feels like an undirected waste of time, each moment dragging and bobbing me further out to sea, but when I kick and paddle all I do is wear myself out. So I have decided to float. And to trust.
I am trusting that the tide eventually brings all things back to shore and that just like you can’t predict or stop pain, you can’t predict or stop joy. There is a season for everything.
I can see that Trust is what this season is all about. If one thing in my life is holding me back it is my inability to trust. If I do not learn how to relax and trust and float I will never be able to commit to anything for fear of the unknown. I will never be able to get married, keep a job, buy a house, have kids, travel the world… Because all of those things involve taking a leap of faith, and trusting that whatever the adventure brings, I can at the very least float through it.
Floating: I have to learn this skill. God or the Universe or The Real had to force me to chill the fuck out and just float for a while. I had to pretty much lose everything by my kicking and paddling before I finally just gave in. I really hate floating. I bet I will never, ever like it or feel comfortable with it. But if I practice really hard, I might become okay at it, which would be good.