Truth be told I am struggling.
In every way possible I feel as though I am failing.
I am struggling financially (who isn’t these days?)
I am struggling emotionally. I am struggling mentally.
I made what I felt was the all the right decisions for me. I trusted my inner voice for the first time in a long time and I suppose I believed that if I did that everything would just fall into place.
But life isn’t really like that is it? We do the right thing, and then life just gets harder.
It is a test. I just wish I knew what the test was actually about.
But I don’t. And I don’t see any way of changing my circumstances. Worrying is useless so I have given that up too. When friends ask me how things are, I say they are good. Because in reality they are. I have so many things to be grateful for. But right now, how I feel is what is dominating my life. Things are difficult, challenging, soul-tiring. I feel like I am pounding my fists into a granite wall. I have no chance of making a dent. All I can do is hope that I can expose a crack then keep pounding for another 36 years just to widen it.
I am having a hard time getting all my ducks in a row. I am having a hard time paying my bills, I am having a hard time following my heart, giving up control and letting the great unmapped road stretch before me. And I am tired. I am tired of feeling like I am failing. I am tired of feeling powerless to do anything about it. But. Oh blessed “but.” But, I determined to wrestle God down until he blesses me. It isn’t about winning. It is about tenacity. It is about being dogged. It is about reaching down, past the faith, past the hope, to put one foot in front of the other. It is about the will to survive the fight, even if it means carrying a limp. It has become clear to me, that the will to survive IS the blessing. And eventually the time for rest will come. Because it must.
Truth be told, I am failing at everything. Truth be told, things are truly hard for me for the first time in my life. And truth be told, I don’t have the energy to care what is on the other side of the wall. But I am still pounding on granite wall. Determination is not a feeling, it is a habit.