Truth Be Told

Truth be told I am struggling.

In every way possible I feel as though I am failing.

I am struggling financially (who isn’t these days?)

I am struggling emotionally. I am struggling mentally.

I made what I felt was the all the right decisions for me. I trusted my inner voice for the first time in a long time and I suppose I believed that if I did that everything would just fall into place.

But life isn’t really like that is it? We do the right thing, and then life just gets harder.

It is a test. I just wish I knew what the test was actually about.

But I don’t. And I don’t see any way of changing my circumstances. Worrying is useless so I have given that up too. When friends ask me how things are, I say they are good. Because in reality they are. I have so many things to be grateful for. But right now, how I feel is what is dominating my life. Things are difficult, challenging, soul-tiring. I feel like I am pounding my fists into a granite wall. I have no chance of making a dent. All I can do is hope that I can expose a crack then keep pounding for another 36 years just to widen it.

I am having a hard time getting all my ducks in a row. I am having a hard time paying my bills, I am having a hard time following my heart, giving up control and letting the great unmapped road stretch before me. And I am tired. I am tired of feeling like I am failing. I am tired of feeling powerless to do anything about it. But. Oh blessed “but.” But, I determined to wrestle God down until he blesses me. It isn’t about winning. It is about tenacity.  It is about being dogged. It is about reaching down, past the faith, past the hope, to put one foot in front of the other. It is about the will to survive the fight, even if it means carrying a limp. It has become clear to me, that the will to survive IS the blessing. And eventually the time for rest will come. Because it must.

Truth be told, I am failing at everything. Truth be told, things are truly hard for me for the first time in my life. And truth be told, I don’t have the energy to care what is on the other side of the wall. But I am still pounding on granite wall. Determination is not a feeling, it is a habit.


4 thoughts on “Truth Be Told

  1. Judea-

    When I first saw your email notification, I was like “Wow! It’s about time she posted something!”

    Then I read the blog and realized why. I just want to encourage you to let you know that your dreams are not denied, only delayed. God responds to faith, and at some point very soon your faith will become visible substance that can never be erased.

    When you knpw what it is you were born to do, quiting is not an option. From the tenor of your post, you know that photography is your destiny and you are refusing to be refused. I am proud of you for that.

    Failing is great, as long as we fail forward and not backward. I challenge you to read the story of Derrick Redmond concerning his challenge in the 1984 Olympics. He was hit with adversity and even disqualified, but he has been etched in the history books as a hero and is living a highly successful life; all due to his tenacity.

    I leave you with the words of the old ghetto hymn…Don’t Stop! Get It! Get It! Be blessed. Hebrews 10:35-39, James 1:2-6

  2. I get what you’re going through. Except for the financial struggle, I’ve been there before. Things seemed to be going well around me, but inside me, I felt I was failing. I couldn’t succeed at anything, I couldn’t get what I wanted. And nothing I did changed my situation a bit. I felt helpless.
    As it turned out things got better, not because I did any grand deeds, but because I persisted with my little, everyday things. I kept on with my life, I studied, I breathed in and out every day, I spent time doing things I love.
    I agree with you, life is about tenacity; it’s something beyond faith, hope and miracles, it’s much more basic than that. And if only because probability dictates, at some point things have to get better. They have for me. I don’t know if it’ll last, if I’ll ever go back to feeling like that again; what I do know is that whatever happens I’ll persist.
    I’ve looked around your blog, and I really like your pictures. They’re very creative and beautiful, and they capture the best of the people you shoot. I wish you luck and strength to chase your dreams.

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