Who I am: who I Want to be


Remember those reading comprehension questions from the ACT? Perhaps you would rather not, but uber-nerd that I am, I actually liked taking the ACT and remember the questions fondly…except for those stupid graphs in the Science section. I do NOT like graphs. But anywho, remember that “a is b, as, c is d”

well for me

who I am is to who I want to be

as a a

lake is to an ocean

However, I would say that given that I’m 24, and that I used to feel much more like a puddle than a lake, things are slowly but surely getting better in my life. I no longer feel like that lost little girl, with no voice and no drum beat of her own. Instead I feel like I am waking up, I have been wondering in the desert, in a living time of Sukkot

but now, as I am taking stock in my life thus far, as we are always forced to do when the clock gets reset, I see that I have grown, and that indeed I have much growing left to do.

So here is my ocean, here are the things that I want to begin to sew into the fabric of my day-to-day ebb and flow. These are images and verbiage that really resonate with me, that make themselves at home inside me out of no choice of my own.

Life- A project of sorts

Fields, trees, and rivers…to own land is to accept the first gift God ever offered his favorite creation, a part in it’s finishing and expression.

A kiss on the neck, a whispered adoration, a teammate, a fellow adventurer….words tumbling recklessly out, before editing, ending in journeys end.

jets- silvery wings cutting through the clouds

pontoon boats slipping down a hungry river-faces wrinkled with stories worth the trip to hear, and pass to crowds.

pavement cutting through a flattened sea of red and brown — all in search of the silence where God rests. God is fond of deserts, I am too.

Smiles, and vows, corners of mouths caught curving, happily repeating the day in print and albums titled like”Sarah and Jesse”  for sharing over long awaited visits and contented sighs.

Tassels huffed up and ruffled as foot taps nervously, waiting for 124 credit hours later… pats on the backs, and “degree completed” checked on resumes, making proud ones cry.

Fluid tongue effortlessly making friends with languages new

buildings older than I can trace my family tree, standing tall and not at all bothered right in front of me.

callouses befriending me, begrudgingly once again, never to leave my finger tips.

rushing wind dusting off my weary soul, David’s hymns and Paul’s Damascus road.

Opening to pages glossy, seeing thoughts in ink, finding I DO like the way I think.

Younger faces, full of hope, it’s not easy to be a child of God. It’s Complicated, lots of gray,

lots of screwing up, it’s all gonna be okay.

Less waste, bigger world, smaller greeds, more accurate measure of needs.

giving of myself, not because social activism is trendy, but because of the hearts not mouths it feeds.

family, soft and warm, always know the scent of being stuck together, blessed in boundaries, blessed in roles that shape you, blessed in having to love those you don’t understand, because you are cut from same cloth, blessed in knowing the old before the new.

That is my ocean..that is the reflection I seek.

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