I woke up this morning knowing exactly what I want. To say I have been a fool is a vast understatement. Ever since I was a child I have always been a grass-is-greener kind of girl. I used to just attribute my chronic dissatisfaction with whatever my current situation was to a “restless spirit” or an “adventurous personality” but now at 23, the constant moving around and frequent love affairs that go nowhere are getting tired.
It took losing the one great thing I had going for me to realize that I am only destroying my own dreams with my immature habits.
I have never had what I would call a strong sense of self. Every decision I have made has been because of another person. Since graduating from high school in 2003 I have never lived any one place more than 10 months. My longest relationship is with my dog, Brutus. And I have ended up in significant debt for all my flailing about. I kept moving around to escape this failed relationship, or to try this career, or because some friend would want me to move in. Instead of finishing college, finding a career I can be satisfied with, and just being grateful for what I have (a good family who loves me, wonderful friends who I can trust and who understand me, the potential to do something really fun and get paid for it as my career, and until recently a good man who loves me and who wanted to marry me and build a life with me) I was always thinking about what I didn’t have, which, looking at it now, isn’t much.
My most recent disaster, the break-up with the man of my dreams, Frank, has finally woken me up.
It’s obvious to me now that I have serious work to do. Not for Frank or for my family or friends, but for my own health. If I don’t learn how to take account of the wonderful gifts I have been given I run the risk of losing even more than the love of my life, I have the risk of losing my life. Not in the literal sense, but I don’t want to wake up in 40 years, alone and still wandering aimlessly, and say to myself “how did I get here?”
The truth of the matter is tomorrow isn’t promised to any of us, but if I am always looking at the future wishing I was already there, I won’t have a future to grow into.
So like I said I woke up this morning knowing exactly what I want. It is exactly what I already have- good people in my life and the ability to make a living. To some it may not seem like much. To me it is everything.

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5 thoughts on “

  1. you sounded a tinge like me in there. my new years goal was to be happy where i was and not lament about what could have, should have, would have been. and when i do want things to change, to take control of them and do my best instead of just whining about it. i applaud you oh-youngest-of-the-jackson-clan. 🙂

  2. WOW! Treasure those moments of revelation, sweet daughter. The truth will set you free! Though you have frustrated and frazzled us from time to time (like all living children), your mom & I have always been proud to be your parents and always loved you — and we always will. You go, girl!

    daddyo

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